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slip of the tongue
seamas Date: 2009-07-03 Time: 21:59:08	In Belfast a catholic brings his protestant girlfriend home to meet his parents. He tells them he\'s getting engaged and is surprised at their mild reaction. Don\'t you know Susan is a protestant he asks. What screams his mother. Oh my god Jesus Christ !!! What are we going to do a protestant. But mummy he says I told you before she was a protestant.Oh says his mother I thought you said prostitute.
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 22:06:08	An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 22:19:05	The family of potatoes One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make." "And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!" The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?" "I'm marrying a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement." "And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!" "You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?" "I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter. "An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make." "Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation. "Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!" "Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?" "I'm marrying Peter Jennings!" "Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 22:23:21	Lol ^^^^^^^^ There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, POOF you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." POOF The mirror swallows her. Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! POOF The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." POOF
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 22:26:25	A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor." Again, there is a bright flash and..........both his legs fall off.
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 22:37:26	These were entries for a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line and least romantic second line: Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you, because I was p.ss.d. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowls empty and so is your head. Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face. I love your smile, your face, your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies! My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. My love, you take my breath away. But what have you stepped in to smell this way? My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell!" What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
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Re: slip of the tongue
beaver12 Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 22:53:20	Farmer with cow which constantly messed up its field,so Farmer hammers a large cork into cow behind,solves the problem,six months goes by,then a year,the cow has inflated and is a giant ball,Farmer says to his sons,ilea have to remove that cork who will help me get it out,not us said his sons to dangerous a job.Train a monkey to do it they will do any thing fore nuts.So farmer trains a monkey to do the job.Farmer takes monkey to meet the cow,one son stands a hundred yards back from the cow fore safety,another son stands 75 yards back fore safety,another son 50 yards.Farmer takes monkey to the cow and retreats 10 yards away,and gives the monkey the signal to pull the cork,which it did.? an all might explosion occurs and the cow empties out and deflates,the furthest son is up to his knees in it,the next hes up to his waist,the next is up to his shoulders,the farmer is no where to be seen.the sons frantically dig fore all they are worth to find there father,when they find him he is laughing out so loud and tears rolling down his cheeks.How can you be laughing said his sons the cow just buried you in dung.I know said the farmer but you should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in.
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 22:57:29	Classic ^^^^^^^^ LMFAO^^^^^^^ Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to his freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 23:01:54	A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she! wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she replied......"I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever [censored]es.
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Re: slip of the tongue
beaver12 Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 23:10:44	A couple stood by the monkeys enclosure in the zoo,notice please dont feed the Animals,but they took no notice and through pea nuts to them,one monkey how ever kept picking up the nuts one at a time and first shoving the nut up his bum before eating it.The couple where amazed by this behaviour,so asked a passing zoo keeper why the monkey acted in this way,the keeper said oh yes he has all ways done that ever since some one through him a Brazil nut and it got and stuck so he could not mess fore a week.
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 23:17:10	One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ’Thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful." Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning, the barber goes to open up, and there...waiting at his door... ...are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
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Re: slip of the tongue
beaver12 Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 23:26:30	A bricklayer working on a site next to a road observes a man who every day comes walking with his dog past the site,and the dog all ways stops jumps up and places his paws on to the wall,and starts looking upwards and to each side while having a pee,well this intrigues the brickie,so one morning as the man and dog approach the brickie asked the man why his dog all ways peed in that way,the man replies oh he has all ways done that ever since one off your walls fell on him.
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 23:31:56	LMFAO ^^^^^ RecentMost ViewedTop Rated An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter. After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?" "No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
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Re: slip of the tongue
beaver12 Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 23:35:17	Man ship wrecked on an island is captured by cannibals,the Chief says to the man,i am a fair minded man,so ilea give you a chance to not be eaten,if you can tell me some thing that my ppls and i can not accomplish,i will take you back to civilization,but if we can we will eat you,well the man trembling suddenly lets a loud fart go and says catch that and paint it blue.
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 23:38:19	A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 23:41:06	that made me smile as well A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?' Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 23:45:48	there good lol ^^^^^ A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. A blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee."
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-08 Time: 23:51:02	The local sheriff in a small suburban town was looking for a deputy. He posted ads in the paper, and sure enough, Lisa, a wonderful looking blonde, went in to try out for the job. She wasn't the sharpest nail in the bucket, but seeing as she had a natural charisma about her, the sheriff gave her an interview... "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Lisa, what is 1 and 1?" "11!" she enthusiastically replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right in a way..." "Okay, Lisa. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Shucks, that's easy," the blonde replied. "Today and tomorrow!" The sheriff was again surprised that Lisa supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. He thought of his next question carefully to make sure there could be no equivocation about the answer: "Now Lisa, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Lisa looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while," the sheriff replied with satisfaction. So, Lisa wandered over to the salon where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. "How'd it go?" they all asked. Lisa was ecstatic. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-09 Time: 13:57:11	One night, Tom does what he normally does --- he kisses his wife, crawls into bed and falls asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe sitting next to him! "What the heck are you doing in my bedroom...and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied. "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own." Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog would be too tiring, but a hen would probably have a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. And in the next second, he found himself nicely feathered and in a chicken farm. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?" "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my butt is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." "How do I do that?" Tom asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Doggone it Tom! Wake up! You're messin' up the bed sheets again!"
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Re: slip of the tongue
beaver12 Date: 2010-02-09 Time: 15:22:29	A woman stands and watchers a little dog relieving its self on the leg of a Blind man,the Blind man reaches down and starts to stroke the dog,the woman walks up to the Blind man and says your a nice fore giving sort of a man,that dog has just releaved its self on your leg and you are stroking it,that is nice and fore giving of you.The Blind man says to the woman no actually i am trying to find out which end its head is so i can kick its asss.LOL
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Re: slip of the tongue
beaver12 Date: 2010-02-09 Time: 15:32:35	Two men in a pantomime cow out fit late fore the village hall pantomime where making there way down the lane leading to the village hall,the leading man says lets cut across this field its a short cut,so they turn into the field and make there way across,half way they hear a pounding behind them,whats that the man in the rear says to him up front,i dont know hang on ilea have a look,he turns his head and sees a bull bearing down on them,so he says to the man in the rear part there is a Bull coming,,what shall we do now asks the man in the rear part,well i am eating grass,,,you had better Brase your self.
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Re: slip of the tongue
beaver12 Date: 2010-02-09 Time: 15:45:08	Woman at the Doctors,Doctor informs woman that she is pregnant,Woman is shocked by the news,that can not be correct Doctor,i am a Nudest,and we only practise s,,e,,,x with our eyes,the Doctor turns to the woman and says well some one in the Nudest colony is C,,,o,,,c,,,k,,eyed then.
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Re: slip of the tongue
eversofoxy Date: 2010-02-09 Time: 17:29:38	Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and would end-up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...are you ready for this? A COMMONTATER...
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